HEY Y'ALL,
MY NEW BLOG URL IS VANESSASIM.LIVEJOURNAL.COM
THIS OLD JOURNAL WOULD NO LONGER BE UPDATED! (:

THIS IS WHAT WE ALL CALL- A FRESH START (:

yesterday started out as a bad day...turned into a not so bad day. met M outside econs building with kenneth, ko and marts. dinner with them at norsiah's. then we walked back to the boys' place and me and M slacked around for a bit watching australia's next top model. so BITCHYY. lol. my bf likes bitchy shows. :P anyways, after watching we started doing work. oh wait...i started doing work while he was still slacking around. hahaha but physics puts me to sleep so i fell asleep after studying for one hour. and i promptly drooled all over his bed. HAHA. and when i woke, we just laid in bed, cuddled and talked. like really talked for 1.5 hours. and for once it isn't me talking. but him telling me about his life and his family. it's a good change, a nice change (: i really hope we have more of such talks. AND i give the best massages in the world, don't i? :D sigh, what a perfect gf. be honoured! i've never given a guy a full body massage before okays! LOL. anyway, kenneth wee makes the best lagsana. (but i haven't tried my hon's. HON MAKE TGT NEXT TIME K?! sorry i didnt try the one you made for me and mas that time :( ) after that, my babe decided to come over to my house because i told him i couldn't study in his sleep inducing bed. :) :) so sweeet :)

damn shagged today because i didnt have a peaceful night's sleep. SOUNDS KINKY?? hahahah yeah it was so totally kinky omg. -_-. WHY AR BABE? WHY DIDN'T I SLEEP WELL????
anyway when i could finally sleep well, i had a weird dream about my dad finding out about me and M. cuz in my dream, me and M were making out in my house and then when we went off, we bumped into my dad outside my house. then STUPID M (in my dream) said "HI UNCLE". i was like omggg can't you pretend you don't know me?? then my dad got pissed and he said "the fruits in chinatown are fresher than the ones in little india". HAHAHA i was so freaked out i didnt even find it funny when i first woke up. but now i'm like HUHHH? hahaha.

physics lab today was not too bad. But my partner Luke, this caucasian dude, was so super tall i ended up standing on this bar at the side of the chair throughout half of the practical just so i can be one head shorter instead of talking to like his stomach. loll. and when we did the experiment, he had to like stoop down super low for me to do the measurement. :( :( but he is really so tall he dwarf-s everyone. lol. then went home with joy and esther.  

and...thanks babe for the hugs and the talks. and for making oreo so shagged he wasnt as naughty today. i suddenly realised my bf is actually damn sweet to me. HAHAHA. (i bet he's going "omg FINALLY" in his head). BUT i'm so damn sweet too :D :D

love. always.
van.

i realised how little i talk to people about my problems these days. not because i don't trust anyone but more of...i'm exhausted to say what's going on. and to the people i tell, some of them can't be there always. some bail on me. and sometimes i get mad because they can't be there when i need them. but like...i realised it's stupid. because i have the power to decide if i'm happy or not. and yes, i firmly believe happiness is a choice. and whether or not you decide to stick by someone is a choice too. i, for one, am someone who would stick by the people i love. if you tell me you're in trouble, or you're sick or you're upset, and tell me that you need me, i'd put down everything i can and rush to be by your side. and i guess over the years, it's made me have a certain expectation towards others. i kind of expect some particular people to do the same for me. but i realised it's kinda childish. because i have the power to make things work out, to sort things out. and i have the power to be happy. i don't need words of comfort, i don't need people i can ramble to, i don't need hugs and kisses to be okay. i mean, sure they're lovely and always welcomed but i realise depending so much on these has made me weaker than i was. and frankly, i'm sick of being weak. and to those people who are upset, think about it. we have the power to make ourselves happy and it lies in the way we see things. 

BUT i'm still struggling with this new idea. this whole new don't-depend-on-others thing. after like years of depending on others, it's time for van to *pat back* BE STRONG! (: but of course, give me some time to sort out everything on my side (: 

xoxo
van  

PS: THANK YOU SO MUCH MARTS!!! FOR THE PHYSICS STUFF!! :D :D STUDYSTUDYSTUDY!!! :D

Hellos (: (: for those who read my deleted entry good for you!! because yeah, i have my weak moments and sometimes i write emotional stuff so for those who can catch it, lucky you!! (: anw to the person who sent me a msg...i'm okay now (: and you're always there when i needed you okays? (:

i have been watching grey's anatomy, one tree hill, gossip girl. now watching entourage cuz my bf said it was good :D anw, the most recent episode of grey's anatomy was really good! went over to the bf's place last night. we watched tv for awhile, cuddling on the couch. watched sex and the city. and it cracked my bf up so much when sarah J parker said "Women are known to be more verbal than men, but are there times when the ladies should just shut the fuck up?" he laughed for damn long. lol. then i was like "OIEEEE". what's he implying man!! ): loll

last night was awesome falling asleep in his arms. waking up this morning was awesome too, waking up in his arms. i didnt even mind the cold. (: i could spend my everyday like this (: (:

i've been feeling quite sick and weak these few days though. lol. i'm gonna rest abit and then start on my physics. i SWEAR. (: (:

<3<3

MY EXAMS END 11 JUNE! that's like freaking early compared to others. but i might have to wait for my sis's exams to end on the 25th before i come back. i remember last year i used to countdown the days and hours till i reach home (sg). but now, even though i'm damn excited to see my friends, i no longer sit at my calendar, waiting for the days to pass. lol. but i really can't wait to go back! i'm gonna miss my babe for 1 month though! ): he's not coming back to sg. he's going to like sydney and stuff with his friends. (:

anyways i have been doing econs like a good little girl (: my awesome bf came over and spent so much time with me!! (: i guess after i talked to him the day before yesterday, he became damn sweet :D. we've spent two whole days tgt and probably another today (:

i'm really glad janey was there for me these few days and the worst days. thanks so much babe! <3

 i've been really hesitant about the whole concept of friends. whose fault is it? none but mine. i'm blaming no one for anything. and i'm not referring to my singapore friends. because this friendship is like cracking and collapsing before my eyes. lol. it's just strange, ain't it? sometimes we thought we held on to forevers. but this was totally like a kick in the balls. i don't know what to do anymore or how to make you talk to me. so i'm just gonna close this chapter of my life because it's too painful. it's like digging out my heart and waving it before my eyes. i've been binging because of this and some other depressing stuffs which i choose to not reveal. i've finished like 1.5L bottles of coke and root beer, have been eating non stop. and like honestly, for what? i'm tired of trying to explain because i can't even get hold of u. so i'm just going to close this chapter. it's just becoming too darn painful to be in that chapter. 

no hugs, no kisses 
Van  

i don't even know myself anymore. cut my hair at millenium. therapeutic effects lol. it's like a short bob now lol... Laura's damn nice btw(: we chatted alot and she's from new zealand. SHe's my age but she's been in the industry for like 4.5 years. which i think it's really amazing because she realised her dream at such a young age.  

been troubled by alot of things lately. so much more than i can ever tell you. so much that i'm kinda losing myself. and i really want to find that old vanessa back. these 8 weeks, i have been trying to turn into someone i'm not, just so i can please people and make people happy. damn freaking tired of it already. i'm not angry at anyone. i just feel damn exhausted. today i drank coke, coffee, ate 2 tutti frutti max brenner's waffles but still felt down. and yes, at this rate i'm gonna swell up. comfort food aint helping anymore. grey's anatomy isn't cheering me up either because i just finished watching everything. haha i dont even know the source of my void feelings. i don't know if it's because of oreo, him or her. i just feel like i'm in this whirlpool of emotions and i desperately tried to seek out something solid to hold onto but i just kept slipping and sliding deeper and deeper into the centre. i think i gave up halfway and decided to just let it all smother me.

LOL, dont even know wtf i'm talking about.

maybe, it's time out for me too. i've tried damn hard already. i'm not a borne escapist. i like to face my problems. but maybe i need to escape for awhile. just to take a breather, so that i can come back and face whatever i have to.  

no hugs, no kisses
Van 

Dissection was completely REVOLTING! it wasnt the whole cutting up rib cages and digging out the intestines that was disturbing. it was the SMELL. i swear i can still smell it now after bathing twice! my mouse was super smelly. i have no idea why. my friend was sniffing at hers and she said "SMELLS LIKE THE FRIDGE". then i didnt even have to sniff at mine to smell that foul revolting stench. then i was like "OMG YOUR FRIDGE SO SMELLY?!" after a few moment we realised different mice have different smells. and no one wanted to come near my mouse cuz it stunk to high heavens. WE DIDNT EVEN USE MASKS OR GLOVES. because gloves hinder the fingers from taking out delicate organs. and one caucasian guy just took out chips, in the middle of dissection, to eat because he was hungry. DAMN I WAS HUNGRY TOO! i didnt eat breakfast and my stomach was super empty. but the smell of semi rot + alcohol + bowels made me want to barf! but it was really a damn cool experience cuz it's amazing how many organs can fit into that tiny little body. all the testes, lungs heart liver intestines etc. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICES MOUSE! (:

this guy passed out. maybe he didnt eat his breakfast too or something. he just went BAM! and landed on the floor. and we were all stunned. but i admit i felt a little nauseous too! IT'S THE SMELL OMG!! it seriously stunk! but holding my breath, it's really quite an awesome experience. the week after next is dissecting a sheep's heart. :)

was chatting to jane lol! and i was talking about how i love guys in hoodies too... (cuz you know whyyy)

van- says:

and I LOVE GUYS IN HOoDIES

j ♥ says:

OMG YES>

van- says:

ESP MASTER MUUSS

van- says:

HAHAHAHAHAHA

j ♥ says:

-_-''

van- says:

:) 

j ♥ says:

you will love mus even if he was in a bikini la.

van- says:

TRUE

j ♥ says:

ARE YOU MUS?!

van- says:

HAHAHAHA

van- says:

NO

LOL! hahahah. ok i'm gonna eat and then go do my work, i SWEAR i will. haha ILT due tomorrow plus two prelabs - chem and physics. after tedious tiring exciting energy-absorbing bio today, i wonder how i'm going to survive chem and physics prac tomorrow. ARGH. okays. peace out.

cuz when the day ends, i just feel like talking to you and telling you everything that happened. even if i don't say it...each call and sms and online conversation means alot to me...

i have no idea why i started watching S factor. this like really bitchy bimbotic show airing on channel five. watching it on Youtube. it makes me miss singaporean bimbos. hahahah. but okay i wouldnt say all of them are bimbos. i think michelle's got that x-factor (: i kinda like her cuz she's sporty and smart and quite exotic (: haha my babe says i have lesbian tendencies. LOL. that's so not true. >:( I MISS SINGLISHHHH. hahaha. but michelle doesnt really speak singlish!  

okay i have a chain of labs this week. bio lab tmr, chem and physics on wednesday. (which means 8am to 9pm on wednesday) :( oh well. I AM GYMMING TMR, HELLO WORLD! lol. my bf's probably gonna give me that disbelieving look. but hell, EVEN IF i go to the gym, he'd probably say i walked in, swiped my card and went to take a shower. -_- yes, man of little faith. in me, that is.

my bf maxed out his wow character and now he's like fighting battles alongside reuben and their singapore friend. lol! so i'm going to sleep first because i have dissection tmr morning at nine am. good way to make the breakfast come out. :D and it's four am in the morning already! my plan was to do my Chemistry ILT. but plan failed once again because i was too distracted by S factor and asos.com. I NEED TO BUY CLOTHES!! :( the temperature now is really dropping. it was 9 degrees just now and it's supposed to be autumn!! :(

planning to go for bio prac then gymming tmr, then coming home to slack a little before going for micro-econs lect. WHY DO WE NEED TO TAKE BREADTHS?! but there's the boy in my lecture so i shan't complain. :) okay i need to sleep now. my complexion is getting horrid. :P
PS: if you want to throw your childish tantrums, seriously...keep me out of it. i don't see how whatever you're doing now is going to serve any purpose at all. but then again, that's just you thinking the world revolves around you. sometimes the stuff you do just cracks me up because you don't see how ridiculous it is.

the warmest nights are spent with you cuddling me to sleep. (this "you" and the "you" above are OBVIOUSLY different people. VASTLY different. lol)  

i've really started to immerse myself in school work and activities. the feeling is quite good. The issue about the landlord and oreo is messing me up quite abit. it makes me feel helpless and stressed out at the same time. and depressed. but i'll NEVER EVER give oreo up. you can just go screw yourself for suggesting that. i'm just worried i can't find a place, and then worried that i can't find tenants for the QV apartment to take over my lease. sigh. :( but it's good that i'm enjoying school more now. found someone to accompany me during the extremely long school hours! Nic and i take the same lectures so have been surviving chem and bio lectures with him. (: NEXT WEEK IS DISSECTION PRAC, I CAN'T WAIT :). 

i wonder why i can give people advice but spend so much time convincing myself of the same words i say to another person. maybe it's always easier hearing it from someone else. but i'm really happy right at this moment, lying flat on my tummy on his bed using the computer. (: i'm gonna turn in now (: 

ps: you can do it okays? good luck (:     

Would it bring you to me if I lost myself in endless sleep?
Would it help to fall captive to an empty dream?
Would you rescue me if I fell into obscurity?
Would you catch me just before I’ve fallen in too deep?

last night i went out for a breather. have been feeling emotional these few days and bf suggested i should go eat good food lol. yeah so i went with him, KO, andre and alex to boxhill to eat taiwanese food. it felt good to get out of the house and take a break. the guys had bubble tea after that and we went the arcade. u see, i play daytona like driving a leisure car, slowly cruising down the tracks. but the.guys.are.PRO. esp my bf (pleasantly surprised LOL). they got all the changing gear shit. the gear to me is like this extra piece of machinery for decoration. (ok babe if u ever see this PLEASE dont laugh ok!!). and the only other button i press is START. (ok babe, fine laugh your head off). it was great because i laughed alot last night and felt much much better. then i went over to his place to watch dvd - Monster's ball. then talked abit before sleeping and i'd say it was one of the tender moments which i could really feel love radiating out of him (if that's even possible lol). 

I'm actually looking forward to school, lectures and my lunch + study date with ems. (: anws, i would love to thank my babe for his support and efforttt! haha which made my studying bio much much easier. i love you so much babyy :) :) good luck for your assignments and good luck for my test + assignment :S think i would only be able to see him on tuesday during our lecture. but it's GOOD ENOUGH :D

i'm positively GLOWING although i think i'm having pms cuz the past few days i've been really down. (: maybe it's like taking a roller coaster and i'm currently at the tippy-top. and NO I'M NOT GOING DOWN! (: okays i really have to sleep now. just finished studying and printing stuff out for tomorrow :) I'm really happy now and i want to learn to take things in my stride. appreciate the good things in life!! :) :)  

i love you cuddling me to sleep. i think it's the luckiest, warmest and safest feeling in the world. And i'm sorry i doubted your love. on cold 11 degree days like this, its the thought of you that keeps me warm. (: 

xoxo